a letter I will never send

you didn’t have the right to say i love you to me like that. and i hate that i loved when you did. you can’t go from not speaking to me to saying that (i love you). it hurts (physically too.) how am i supposed to sit with that when i know i can’t talk about it with you because it will be awkward or you’ll feel so defensive you’ll lash out. i can’t help but feel i trigger you somehow and i want to blame myself but deep down i know it’s not my fault. you lead me on whether you
know or not and i fall for it whether i like it or not because how can i not? and with respect to total honesty it would be so much easier for me to hate you than to care for you so deeply. every time i feel that you switch feelings or that we’re no longer in a good place you twist your knife into me a little deeper and i obsess. and i can’t do it anymore. it makes me so angry to be swung back and forth; he has romantic feelings for me, he does not, he does, he does not, and i genuinely don’t know where you stand. it’s pathetic and i know it but i want you to want me and i think you want the same but maybe we mean it in different ways. you want me to always be there, to be the back-up you’re ashamed to have and i let myself take that place for you. but no more. because that is one of the most hurtful things i’ve ever had done to me in my entire life. i know i will never be your first choice, i know deep down you will never choose me but for some reason a part of me still holds out hope that you will. relationships are meant to be complex, layered and i told myself that over and over again but i don’t think that’s what we have. our layers are hidden from each other with every word spoken meaning a different thing, two different tongues unable to speak the same language. which is so odd because i often think we’re the same person. i don’t know. and i know i will never send this to you so me writing this is me letting you go. a part of me still wants you and maybe will continue to want you but i have to move forward. it’s not fair to me, to be so close to someone who’s so far away. and i know maybe you don’t mean to do this, and in a way i’ve tried to talk to you about it, but i don’t think you understood my hidden meaning. so i’m sorry to do this, and i’m sorry that we will continue to be friends because i can’t afford to lose another person, but i can’t care for you like i want to. it’s too painful. and you probably don’t even realize how i feel, how i think about us, which is why i don’t think you really know me.

©2020 by Micaela Miller